Just like any parent of a newborn blog, I will pamper my blog.
I will show my blog off to other people (whether they own blogs, don't own blogs, want blogs or one day accidentally wake up with a blog after a hazy night of drinking and bad decisions).
I will look at my blog and assume it is the most beautiful blog that has ever existed and secretly harbor the impression that all other blogs are violently ugly and slightly resemble aliens.
I will tell my blog that it is unique and special. It is not just like every other blog brought into this world at 1:50am on a lackluster Friday night. My blog is a snowflake.
My blog will always hear that it can be anything it wants to be (within the parameters of what I think it should be).
My blog will always receive accolades regardless of merit. If nobody else provides these awards, I will create them . . . at home . . . using poorly chosen clip art in Powerpoint.
My dogs will become jealous of this new blog. Do I have time to walk them to the park? Can I hold that bone while one of them chews? Is that ball going to just sit there, or am I going to throw it? Sorry . . . afraid not . . . I have a blog now, and I have to take care of it . . .
Right now, at this very moment, as I speak to you (and my blog is present), I am playing classical music with the hope that eventually my blog will become more sophisticated as a result. It makes an odd soundtrack for a muted SportsCenter repeat, but, hey . . . I'm a blogger now, and that's the type of sacrifice we bloggers make. That's why I'm up at 2:00am . . . I've been told you get very little sleep the first 6-8 weeks of having a blog.
I don't see Jessa getting out of bed right now, so I assume she doesn't care about this blog. I think it's because she already had a blog before we got married . . . so she spends all of her time on that blog. It's not that I don't love Blog#1, but I just feel more connected to my (I mean our) new blog.
Well, enough about me and my beautifully innocent, pristine, new, warm baby blog. Let's talk about what you should expect to get out of this blog:
- More insight into my everyday life - America, you spoke, and I listened. I'm here to give you what you've been clamoring for. What did I have for breakfast yesterday morning? (you might have asked yourself) Well, that was yesterday. I didn't have a blog then. So, you'll just have to sweat that one out. Tomorrow, however, I might tell you (cliffhanger) - hint: it will involve gravy.
- Warm, fuzzy stories about puppies and hippies on the subway - Oh yes. Definitely. I'm a Chicken Soup for the Mushy Soul sort of blog writer. I'll provide you with all the ammo you need to attack your day with a positive outlook toward your fellow man, woman and manwoman. That woman you just let take your seat on the subway . . . that's a dude, but should you feel cheated? Yes. Will you dress like a woman tomorrow to steal someone else's seat? Yes. Everyone wins . . . except the next guy . . . but if he isn't clever enough to dress like a manwoman, then he deserves to stand and wonder if you're actually a woman.
- Plagiarism - I'll often include jokes and profound observations that I will rip off from popular celebrities and/or Gwen Stefani, and I'll present them as my own original ideas in a vain attempt to gain favor. It's not admirable, but will you really know? . . . On second thought . . . don't speak . . . I know just what you're thinking.
- A slight headache - Tilt your monitor at a different angle (that should fix it).
- At least some useful information - Sure . . . if you're one of those people who must read with intent to learn, I'll pepper in some nuggets of wisdom here and there, but you'll have to work to find them.
- Interesting anecdotes surrounding our adventures in a new city - Ah, okay, you are probably looking for Jessa Thomas. Yes, this happens a lot. I totally understand. Her blogs are much more (what's the word?) readable. She includes many pictures and relevant facts. What she doesn't include is gratuitous amounts of Chuck Norris. So, here's your fork in the road . . . if you want(need) more Norris in your life, you can stay right here; I'll accommodate. If you are, frankly, sick of Chuck Norris, then I'm pretty sure Canada is taking applications. You can read Jessa's blog from your freezing hut in Canada.
Well, folks (sense the optimism in my use of plural language), I believe this sets me up for full-blown bloghood. I look forward to presuming anyone else in this world wants to know what I think.
If you made it this far, thanks, you deserve an award (I'll warm up Powerpoint).
Richard
