Lists

Because I Like Lists . . .

There is some part of human nature that drives us all to seek out absolutes and to share what we believe to be definitive statements.

"I like Vlasic Polish Dill Pickles in a 24 oz. can.  I happen to think they're incredible.  Wait . . . but are there better pickles out there?  What if I would like another pickle even more? Excuse me, strangers on [insert internet forum here], which pickle is the absolute best?! I have to know!!"

user with childish name 1:  "For my money, it does not get any better than Claussen Kosher Mini Dills in a 20 oz. jar.  They're the best, and all other pickles can rot in hell for all I care."

user with ambiguously erotic name 1:  "Claussen?!! What, were you raised on a pig farm in Albuquerque?  You must be joking.  I use Claussen pickles to scrape bird dung from my windshield.  If I want a pickle that doesn't taste like octopus urine, I drive 145 miles to the nearest Flying J. truckstop and buy a room temperature jar of Mt. Olive Kosher Dill Spears (if they're within 10 feet of a cooler, they're garbage).  I leave the jar in my backseat for 2 days to allow the sun to bleach the brine, then I sprinkle them with cracked pepper and laugh at all of the other losers out there choking down inferior pickles and trying not to barf. LONG LIVE MT. OLIVE!!"

teenager with 1970s classic rock band reference name:  "I've tried them all.  I've had some great pickles, and I've had some fermented cucumbers that I later discovered were just spoiled, but I am somewhat of a 'pickspert' and I have diligently (oh yes . .  I did) created the following list of the 5 best pickles in the United States and Canada:

1.     Wendy's sliced hamburger dills (these are the cream of the crop; I always take a ziplock bag with me to the nearest franchise and harvest all of the unused slices I can find rummaging in the dumpster if they forget to lock it)
2.     Vlasic Bread & Butter (sweet with a touch of mellow oak; pairs nicely with Ritz crackers)
3.     Mezzetta Jalapeño slices (so I realize these aren't pickles, but they should be)
4.     Del Dixi Baby Dills (whoa . . . so good when you're drunk at 2am, and you just NEED a good pickle)
5.     Movie Theater Pickle (any of them; you know the ones - the size of a femur and soggy on the inside . . . heaven help me, they're fantastic)"

Okay, that was a bit of a hyperbolic example, but you've seen the type.  We can't just like things anymore; we need to RANK them.  It even appears in security questions for online accounts.  According to my bank, the secret combination of "favorite movie", "best friend" and "least favorite elementary school teacher" creates an imprint so distinctly me, that no other human being can match my identity. You might find a way to snag my Social Security number, but there's no chance of divining my affinity for the cinematic excellence that is 'The Shawshank Redemption.'  Seriously . . . I would follow Morgan Freeman's voice off of a cliff.  He just sounds SO sincere . . .

That being said, I often find myself contemplating my favorite songs, movies, burgers, shapes of ice cubes, spots in my living room to stand while watching football, etc., and I can't help but want to document the degrees to which I enjoy these things in some hierarchical format.  LISTS!! I love lists.  It's the same thing that makes me actually select the number of stars (1-5) next to each song in my iTunes library (I wonder if anyone else even knows that option exists . . .).

If you can possibly endure it, I have created some lists below.  These are strictly my opinions and my assessment of how certain things rank when compared to other things. Also, these are absolutes (you won't want to argue with me).

Top 5 Strange Names to Have if You're an Old Person:

1:  Josh (sounds like a little boy in a baseball cap)

2:  Chad (shirtless frat boy)

3:  Zoey (dog or quirky young television personality)

4:  Jamie (teenage girl - although __ Lee Curtis adds a little senior cred, but this still goes here)

5:  Jordan (just imagine calling your grandfather this . . .)

Honorable Mention:  Britney

Top 5 Most Overused Words 

1:  Literally (99.9% of the time it is used incorrectly - "I'm LITERALLY starving to death")
2:  Random (as in "haha, yes, I love that show; it's so random")
3:  Awkward (used to absolutely STOP a conversation at the slightest hint of pause)
4:  Awesome (everything . . . is awesome now)
5:  Super (as a prefix to any word that does not already convey enough weight - "super-excited")
Honorable Mention:  Crazy ("I like toast." "Me too . . . that's crazy.")

Top 5 Ways to Ruin a First Date

1:  Wear a diaper outside of your clothes

2:  Tickle a stranger at dinner

3:  Bring her a balloon that says, "She said, 'Yes'"

4:  Call your parents and leave them on speakerphone for the entirety of the date

5:  Bring your own jar of garlic

Honorable Mention:  At the conclusion of the date, do calisthenics on her doorstep

Top 5 Worst Songs Ever

1:  Let's Give 'em Somethin' to Talk About (Bonnie Raitt)

2:  She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy (Kenny Chesney)

3:  Baby It's Cold Outside (performed by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey)

4:  You Can Do It Put Your Back Into It (Ice Cube)

5:  Get This Party Started (Pink)

Honorable Mention:  My Humps (Black-Eyed Peas)

Top 5 Songs I'm Ashamed to Admit I Enjoy

1:  Dreams to Dream (Cathy Cavadini from the Fievel Goes West soundtrack . . . yes, I know . . .)

2:  Escape (Enrique Iglesias)

3:  Head Over Feet (Alanis Morissette) 

4:  I Want it That Way (Backstreet Boys)

5:  Baby Love (Diana Ross & The Supremes)

Honorable Mention: Come Away With Me (Norah Jones)

Top 5 Favorite "Modern Day" Music Artists (at the moment . . .)

1:  Death Cab for Cutie

2:  Radiohead

3:  Wilco

4:  John Mayer

5:  Coldplay

Honorable Mention(s):  The Strokes & Arcade Fire

Top 5 Favorite Stand Up Comedians (at the moment . . .)

1:  Demitri Martin

2:  Louis C. K.

3:  Mike Barbiglia

4:  Jim Gaffigan

5:  Brian Regan

Honorable Mention(s):  Arj Barker, Jerry Seinfeld & Dave Chapelle

I could do these forever, but I will leave some of the more detailed lists for individual posts (i.e., ranking all Radiohead songs, favorite books, favorite movies, etc.).

I'm still working on "pimping my blog", and I don't really have the art of injecting imagery into my posts down quite yet.  In my last post, I included some beautiful photographs to spice things up.  This time I would like to add what I consider to be the:

FUNNIEST THING I WATCHED THIS WEEK:

Enjoy - this is a good way to wrap up this weekend now that we are in the midst of a long 2-week drought until the Super Bowl (the Harbowl, that is).